February 26, 2006

You know when you avoid doing something for so long that starting it so damn late is exponentially harder than it would have been in the first place and then when you start doing it, it starts going pretty well and you're like eff you self why didn't you just do it when you would have had the time to explore as these wonderful and limitless possibilities and now your angry and bitter and stressed instead and blaming the school system for not preparing you for anything when really your entire life is such a mess?

Yeah.

posted by Jelena | 2:16 PM |

I feel odd and restless.

I want to tell you that I love you and that I need you and that you've been there for me more than you'll ever know. But I can't find the words or the courage.

I want to tell you that I'm scared, that I feel like I can't handle it sometimes. But I'm afraid you'll misunderstand.

I don't want to lose you. I don't like the feeling of words unsaid, of slipping away, of heavy silence.

posted by Jelena | 1:27 AM |

February 23, 2006

I need to get out of here.

I'm not insinuating that my life here in cushy suburbia is horrible and this isn't a I-hate-my-parents post. It's just that I've outgrown this place. Coming back through this door every day does something to me. It drains me. It crushes me under the weight of responsibility and expectation. I want to be on my own, making my own decisions and mistakes. Everything I do here passes first my own judgement, then my parents'.

It's not just them either, it's this environment. It's breeding lethargy in me. There aren't really any negative consequences for anything, every is handed to me, and it's just not exciting or inspiring. There's only one person to blame - me - I know that.

But if my English ISP had taught me anything it's that a physical journey, a change of scenery, is necessary on any hero's journey to true happiness.

posted by Jelena | 9:56 PM |

February 17, 2006

I hate school and life and the whole bit, the insignificance of everything sort of gets to me. But that is another blog for another time.

Right now, I got my hair did. I cut off only an inch, but it feels HUGE. It felt like a weight, and it feels lifted. For a little bit, I get to feel glamourous and not so frumpy. It seems silly and superficial and....and I don't care.

Forget school, forget resposibility, forget the future I'm supposed to be so worried about.

posted by Jelena | 10:53 PM |

February 13, 2006

I feel beautiful.

I'm missing so, so many hours of sleep.

Dependant variables!

I need to find something to have an opinion about. It's so weird, I would define myself as rather mouthy and opinionated. But, now that I actually have to put something coherent down on paper...no dice. Stupid school making me prove that I'm as smart and eloquent as I make myself out to be. How dare it.

posted by Jelena | 10:27 PM |

February 07, 2006

I wanna go home?

Eff you apostrophes.

As early as 7am on the train on Friday morning, Mijana told me, "thank God we're not sharing a bed."

Later, I beat some sense into her. Hmph.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate this weekend Awesome. Getting away from stupid smelly Markham for a few days made me so deliriously happy I can’t even describe it. I feel like a bit of a fraud. It's not like I have anything I should want to be escaping from. But I still feel so miserable so much of the time here. It's not angst. It's just a general dissatisfaction with everything around me. Actually, I myself might be the problem. I'm so sick of school and of responsibilities and of failing on both of those fronts. Well, not failing, just squeaking by with mediocre effort - which is worse.

Point is, this weekend I couldn't stop smiling for more than a minute at a time. The change of atmosphere, the physical distance from here, the dressing up, the fact that I had earned the money that got me there. I hope happiness doesn't consistently cost so much. I can only take so many $7 coffees.

It was all so glamorous. Everything from walking down the street in stilettos (ok, that sounds a little hookerish...), to hearing Michael sing "standards" in a "ballroom", to having bellboys and maids. HOWEVER, I disliked the atmosphere and crowd - consisting mainly of people over 40 with lots of disposable income. At one point some guy behind me complained about the gas prices for his yacht. For 20 MINUTES!

So, now I'm back, and nothing has changed. Stupid Jelena was waiting for Glamorous Jelena to come back the whole time, then clubbed her, and is now keeping her in the closet. I have a feeling I might break down by the end of March, if not as early as February, if I don't get my shit together. I don't know if I can. I need help, but am impossible to deal with. I've had people around me say that with alarming regularity.

posted by Jelena | 11:35 PM |

Blogger Plug-in for Word makes awful apostrophes.

‘’’’’’’’’’
test. test.

posted by Jelena | 6:03 PM |